Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The Greatest Stories I've Been Told: The Starbucks Fiasco



I've been told a lot of great stories, by many people. Some stories are humorous, some depict images of violence, but I've found each one of them amusing and I thought I'd share some of the better ones.

This first story I''l call "The Starbucks Fiasco" and it was told to me by an old co-worker by the name of Bill Sears. Bill is a great guy and artist, and he used to come into my office most every morning and tell me some great story that he knew I'd appreciate. This was mainly due to the fact that I'm a sick fuck, with just a hint of political correctness.

"NEW YORK!"...That is what Bill usually used as a nickname for me, because I am a huge Yankees fan and lived back east. "NEW YORK" he said as he entered into my office with his fedora hat and his thermos of coffee " Man, do I have a story that you of all people are going to appreciate." Bill then sat back in the little guest chair I have in my office and cracked a grin so that his white teeth separated the sea of red that was his beard, as he began his story:

" So here I am at Starbucks, same as I do every fuckin' morning to get my coffee and I get to the front of the line. This young girl asks me what I wanted and I said just fill my thermos up with a latte...So she goes to rinse my thermos out, and I stopped her before she pours the coffee in and I said Do you mind just rinsing it out one more time?....So she stops, and gives me this smart look and says all with a prissy attitude..What do you want me to do? CLEAN IT for you!?!?!!.....So I just boil over and grab my thermos out of her hand and say..And man you're gonna love this..I said NO I don't want you to CLEAN IT!!! I want you TO FUCK IT!!!!!...and here I am waving this penis shaped thermos in her face, as her mouth is open from shock, and everyone just stops in the Starbucks and stares at me...I hear the little ladies behind me whispering about what a dick I must me...So I just took off and went to Tully's to get my coffee."

Bill then took a sip from his thermos, I could tell he was pleased that he just told some barista to shove his coffee thermos up her junk. So he took another sip and continued with his story.

" So last night the wife and I have some friends over for dinner, and after dinner my wife says..Oh let's all go to Starbucks for some coffee...The same fuckin' Starbucks where I just told some chick to go fuck herself with my coffee thermos, so I say...Ummm we can't go to Starbuck's, can't we go to Tullys?....No my wife said, why can't we go to Starbucks?...So I told her the whole story and man was she pissed and scolded me like I was some fuckin 5 year old kid, she said..I want you to go down there and apologize to her, because there is no damn way I'm going to Tullys everyday!."

Bill stopped and took another sip from his thermos and I said
" So did you apologize?"

Bill looked and said " I'm drinking fuckin' Starbucks ain't I?"...He then laughed and went back to his office to work.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Sketchin' With Kryptonite





















This was a sketch I did of the Man Of Steel the other day and added some quick color last night. I usually post just the color, but I liked the pencil sketch, so I figured " Ah what the Hell..." and posted them both up. I have always liked the character of Superman...I think it mainly started when my Grandfather brought me to go see "Superman: The Movie". My grandfather loved movies and this was the first film I had ever seen. I don't remeber too many vivid memories from childhood...Shit, I didn't even remember I left my car keys in the ignition, running mind you, as I locked my car door, but I remeber so much from that experience. I remeber the silver \S/ on the black background for the poster and I remeber the scene when Lois Lane was dangling from the helicopter on the roof og the Daily planet when she fell and Superman swooped up to get her..Then the helicopter fell towards them and he caught it with one arm..slowed ever so slightly from the weight and then proceeded upwards..A-Freakin-MAZING!
After the movie my grandfather brought me to Toys R' Us and bought me a 10 inch Superman figure, which is now gone...The damn thing is probably worth about 300 bucks now, but the memories were gold.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Space Monkey




















This is a character sketch of "Chuck the Space Monkey" from an idea I had called "Mission M.A.D". The M stood for Monkey ( pictured above ) A for Amoeba and D for Droid. It basically followed their mis-adventures through space, with some adult humor thrown in...Ya know like fart jokes and anal probes.

Chuck was sold to science by his owner after he dicovered his ability to talk...Which consisted mostly of criticisms and sacasm. Once in the realm of science an agent for a "Top Secret Government Agency" fills the monkey with great expectations and says he'll be a hero and loved by millions and will finally have a test for his great intellect.The monkey being extremely pompous anyway, is carried away by delusions of grandeur and goes off to participate in the secret space project.

One of Chucks many personality traits, other than being pompous and ego-centric is that he gets paranoid when anyone stands behind him...Mostly because of all the anal probing they gave him during his training.

Friday, July 08, 2005

My Encounter With...White Trash














Had an unexpected "encounter" with the neighborhood White Trash last night on my way home from work..In fact I almost smashed into one of them with my car.

How'd it happen you ask ? Well here it is...I live in a suburb of Seattle which is pretty much yuppie-ized and filled with Microsoft money, shitty driving soccer moms, and racially diverse couples...So, how could I have an encounter with white trash in an area like that? It's quite simple actually, Seattle is a large city, but unlike the urban sprawl of Los Angeles or New York, Seattle's urban sprawl is mostly relegated to town within a 20 minute to half hour drive from the Emerald City. But you start driving outside of that "20 minute zone" and man you are in some shit kick'n parts of the state..We're talking tractor drivin' , wife beater wearin' , one tooth flossin HILLBILLYS!.

Ya see most of the surrounding area, including where I live was probably all like that, but as Bill Gates got richer more people moved, and they bring things like " bodily cleanliness " and dare we say it.." gay people "...So naturally they sort of moved out slowly, but you occasionally stumble upon a pocket of white trash, a veritable oasis of the absurd and boy did I almost run smack dab into it with the front grill of my rig.

I was driving home late last night, and I got some of our highly priced gas, thanks to those "no good AL-Quieda lovin A-Rabs" as the white trash would say, and I took one of the side streets home...Now off to the right there is an apartment complex, that I did know housed a "sleeper cell" of white trash, but they usually remain inside the confines of the complex, but last night was a different story. As I approached the complex a truck at a good rate of speed shot out of the complex, with a woman hanging onto the outside of the truck using the side view mirror and running board.

As I approached the truck STOPS SHORT sending the woman, who was dressed in a shirt and pants that was 2 sizes too small was forced off...She didn't fly or fall, but instead did the "fast, wobbly run" as if someone pushed you....My lights reflected off the bright white of her pale belly ( which flapped about because it was the only free piece of flesh that wasn't pinned down by a size medium shirt and short shorts )...So I brake a few feet from her, and I kid you not it was if they didn't see me...She just glanced, composed and went and yelled " NOW DON'T YOU GO ON LEAVIN!!!!" and ran back towards the truck.

At this point I did a parade route speed pass them, as I just watched them bicker and then as I had finally soaked it all in and got a few yards away I heard the truck tires screech, as the boyfriend took off leaving his damsel sobbing in her flip flops.